WHAT NATALIE DID NEXT.......
THE RETURN OF THE SL SEX EXPERT
I found out this week, that because I was born in 2006 this means I am old. New SL people seem to think that because of this I must be some sort of sl oracle.
Recently I was strolling around a few stores in SL and I was ambushed by new SL residents. They seemed to think that because it says I rezzed, 14/12/06 that it means ‘Hello, I’m your bitch, how can I help?’. Why should I help? There are people in sl to help and they are SL Mentors or better still Lindens.
It’s not that I am not a helpful person or that I am not nice, but being helpful to people who just aren’t going to stay, just isn’t worth my time. It’s far more fun to find your way in sl all by yourself. It’s those initial few weeks of noobness that will make or break a person. In those weeks you will learn who you will be in sl. However there is an easy way to get through these weeks, but of course there is also a hard way. The choice is up to you.
The hard way to become established and unnoobed is either camp, shake the f*** out of money trees or swing round a pole, with tassels on your titties, getting lindens shoved in your virtual freebie box panties. If this wouldn’t be shameful enough, you have to do this whilst you cringe at yourself writing the biggest pile of shit using the /me function. The easy way is to get payment on file, hand over your credit card and shop. Whether you do it the hard way or the easy way, LL will always get your credit card details in the end anyway, there really is no point in fighting the inevitable. My advice to all would be to quit helping new avatars, let them work it out for themselves. Most won’t stay anyway, woohoo less lag for me.
I seem to have got very picky about the people who I roll with. I prefer to talk with serious sl players like me. When I say that, I don’t mean the ones who assume sl is real and they haven’t left their rl house for the last 2 years. They aren’t serious, they are mental. I mean the ones who pay to play and who look after themselves.
However, being a journalist and with nothing happening in my sl, only noobs asking me if I knew the location of the sl equivalent of the holy grail, I decided that I would go on a date. I was offered the chance of the best night of my entire sl (what again?) by one of these new age sl womanisers. How could I refuse an offer like that? I would have to get all gorgeous, jump on slow dance 7 (still my fav btw) and of course bring out a side of me that has long been locked away.
I had been sitting talking with some friends, when I suddenly jumped up and announced that I was going on a date. It was really funny because everyone stopped talking and I could hear tapping of keys. I smiled thinking of them all wondering who had turned my head enough for me to make an effort and go on a date.
‘Who are you seeing?’ the IM’s said. ‘Mind your own god damn business’, I replied. What the boys didn’t know was that I had spent ages laughing my head off, listening to a guy I had met earlier that day. It wasn’t that he was a comedy genius; it was that he was pathetic. I decided I wanted to see if the new men of sl were just as pathetic as the old ones, back when I was on a mission to single handily date every man in sl.
The first thing that I found about me and how I had changed was, that this guy kept me waiting for a tp for a whole 10 minutes and I had started to feel my temper rise. Nowadays, I am impatient and Diva- like more than I was before. I had to remember I was doing this in the name of investigative journalism so; I took a deep breath and counted to ten.
I was teleported to one of those really tacky romance joints, that still have the marble textures. You will all remember these places; it looks like a big bird shit all over the place. When I went in I prayed to god that there would be no one who would know me or recognise me, but I stuck out like a sore thumb.
The place I had found myself in was having a ‘Best in Red’ contest, and I was in white! My date was also in white and he was so excited telling me that we matched. We sooooo didn’t match and I was there a full 5 minutes before a girl who was across from me, IM’d me and asked if I was the Natalie from slinworldtoday.com. I was tempted to say no or that someone had stolen my avatar or that I had been kidnapped. I just said yes because basically I was busted. If she’s reading this and I know she is, she will understand now.
I couldn’t remember the last time I danced with a man. Well I could, and I have really nice memories of that night and I decided that I wouldn’t dance again. So I reluctantly stepped onto the dance ball remembering my promise to myself of never dancing again on a particular dance animation. Jumping on the ball with this guy, I knew it was going to be a battle to keep his hands where I wanted them. He was changing the dances to suit his mood and telling me that I looked like an angle, and he really did say angle instead of angel. I was busy changing the dance animation’s to make it the one where he would be furthest away. This battle went on for quite some time until he finally relented and stopped trying to get too close to me.
My suspicions where confirmed, The SL Sex Expert’s weren’t extinct, I was dancing with one. Back in the day when I began writing about my sl, these men were everywhere. I spent many a happy evening winding them up like springs and watching them explode with temper. Its seems because I got old in SL, I just didn’t get to meet men like this anymore.
They are the men who think all women are mentally challenged and while thinking it they talk shit. Not just regular shit that most men talk, but I mean shit that makes you cry laughing. It’s very amusing to watch this type of man go from being dominant, male chauvinist, shit talker to a begging drooling mess with a raging hard-on. The fun twist though is when he doesn’t get his own way. He will totally freak out and go mad. He will say things like ‘How dare you waste my time?’ Well the hardcore ones say this, but the normal ones just remove you from their friend list after you ignore them for a week. Then because they couldn’t care less, (yeah right) they write about the whole embarrassing date on their profile. Yes, they really do!
They will write things like ‘I have no time for bitches who don’t know what they want from sl’. They really don’t realise that you got exactly what you wanted and that was a free night’s entertainment.
After slow dancing on the most unromantic slow dance in the place, he offered to take me to ‘lie’ with him a while and teleported me to one of those lovey dovey couples places. I immediately told him there was absolutely no way I could lie on the grass in my white dress, for fear of getting stains on it.(Grass stains you perverts) He was quick to tell me not to be silly, that grass wasn’t real in sl. I would love to be able to say that his childlike innocence and ignorance of my sarcastic sense of humour was ok, but it wasn’t.
He realised he wouldn’t be getting me on the grass, so he tp’d me straight to his house. I say house but I really mean badly textured prim box. The first thing I saw was the black and white bird shit textures and then all the pink and blue balls. Hundreds of them were dotted all over the room. I couldn’t even sit on the sofa because I was scared to click it.
He explained he got a feeling I must have been a shy girl and that he understood that some girls were shy. He told me that he would help me overcome my shyness, just like all the other girls he had been with. I couldn’t help ask how many he had been with and he just said ‘lots’. He then told me that he had been partnered 27 times. This man had been in sl since July 2008 btw.
While he prattled on about him and his libido and my lack of (/me rolls eyes, yeah right) I realised I might be sitting with a new different type of sl man. He could quite possible be called a Sl Serial Killer. I say this because as he was talking, I began to think that if this was real life you could imagine women being chained up in the basement. I could have stayed and tormented him a bit more, but when he told me that the other 27 women he had been partnered with ‘left’ sl (more like buried in the walls of his house under the black and white textures) I knew it was time for a pretend crash. I had begun to feel a bit sorry for him and it was busting my groove. He really wasnt understanding me at all.
I don’t feel sorry for him now though because he wrote about me on his profile, the bastard. It’s funny though, because I knew he would.
I thought people had changed in sl, but it was just that I had changed and had lost my way a bit. Those fun types of men I tortured on a nightly basis still exist. The ones who more importantly don’t read my site, so I get to make fun of them to my heart’s desire.
I still won’t be helping new people in sl find their way. If we all help people there would be no one to make fun off and the man I talked about, would have no one to virtual kill and bury in his basement.
Lots of Love
Natalie
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