According to my research, there is a rise in the number of people who are total wastes of carbon. To clarify what this statement means, carbon is the basic building block of all matter. It is the most common element in the universe, and all organisms are made up primarily of it. Humans and other life forms are carbon-based organisms. For a person to be a total waste of carbon basically means that that person would better serve the universe as a rock, or maybe a gerbil.

Thankfully, in Second Life, avatars are made of pixels and bytes, but are powered by carbon-based human (relatively) animals. In the virtual world, one carbon-based human can power more than one avatar, thus if 3 avatars are a total waste of pixels and bytes, it is possible, and probable, that they are powered by only one waste of carbon.

Because some people may lack the brain power to know whether or not they are a waste of carbon, I have compiled a checklist, called, “Characteristics Of Someone Who Is A Total Waste Of Carbon.”

1) You’re older than a noob, but STILL spend ALL your time in a dance club, lagging your ass off, trying to pick up a trick, and pretending you’re someone by trying to bully people like club managers and DJ’s. While hanging out in clubs is OK for someone who does not yet have a SLife, or to take a break and hang out with a few friends every now and then, being a digital bar whore is a clear indication of you being a native and resident of LOSERVILLE.

2) You have poor English skills—as in a 7th grader can compose better sentences than you can—and try to produce a “fashion” magazine. You think this elevates you to some sort of exalted level, but it only makes you look like the idiot that you are.

3) You frequently log in with your mysteriously quiet French boyfriend’s account, and proceed to carry on conversations in some form of Flunky French, leaving people to wonder why your boyfriend doesn’t have a French keyboard, or, when translated into English, says things like, “I am call one man yesterday inside of tiny minutes.”

4) You claim someone else is stalking you, yet you go out and spend money on registering a domain name that is the Second Life name of the person that you claim is stalking you.

5) You register your own domain name for your blog, but neglect to pay the extra $4.99 to keep your real life details private. You constantly make references to someone’s real life, not realizing that about 75% of the population already knows your real information.

6) You claim to be all about “living lavishly”, yet your existence is centered around trying to scrape together a few $L by having bogus “contests” and having memberships to your group cost L$1,000—when everyone knows that nobody paid to be a member of your group.

7) You have to suck up to the most idiotic, boring Hassle on the grid, just so his tired, old ass will continue to stuff your purse with money. It’s a good thing you’re a tramp with an asshole the size of the Harlem Tunnel, because you live every day of your SLife with his hand up your butt. Behind your back, people call you “The Puppet.”

8) You have so many alts, and when people tell your alt who you really are, you deny it, and then say things that only your primary account would know or care about, thus confirming your identity.

9) You say that another website, and their staff, is nothing without you, yet you have been known to spend OVER 23 HOURS IN ONE DAY LEAVING HUNDREDS OF “ANONYMOUS” COMMENTS on that website. Mysteriously, after anonymous comments are no longer allowed, the comments stopped.

10) You actually say, on your own profile, that you are “never going to be left out of the party scene again”, apparently failing to realize that if everyone thought you were as fabulous as you think you are, you would never have been left out in the first place.

11) You think you’re a famous SLebrity, and are constantly in a state of drama in order to get the attention you don’t get in your real life, yet you don’t even make the list of Top Ten Train Wrecks on the Second Life Herald website. You’re just a yappy little Chihuahua, nipping at the heels of people who are actually going somewhere, and you’re not even one of the best at it.