I would like to address an open letter to Fnertin Schmo, Natalie's ex-husband.

Dear Fnert,

Thanks for contacting me, and letting me know that you are still thinking about me. While I know we never "hit it off" with the whole "master and slave" relationship you were pursuing with me, I have always admired your talent for immediately putting people on the defense, and never shying away from areas that other people fear to tread into. As a member of "polite" society, I was raised with the notion that the three things you never discuss in "polite company" are religion, money, and politics. Literally within minutes of first meeting you, you managed to dive face-first into two of those areas, with all the subtlety of hobnail boots stomping on the soft carpet of some sublime reverie.

I find you to be an amazing person, as I have never met anyone (keyword here: MET) who was able to be so arrogant and condescending, while perched upon a throne, in a castle that was tackier than a Sky Everett furniture showroom. I also admired the way you managed to be one of the most notorious SLUbars while wearing that one outfit you always wore--with no shoes, even--and had no problem being completely naked, sans penis, in the street of your own tacky sim.


Thank you for sending me the landmark to your latest venture. I was in a meeting at the time, so I was unable to thank you when you sent it.


Note: traffic = 0, area = 512m2. I decided I shouldn't expect to see a replica of that Crystal Cathedral thing in Anaheim, the one where the minister is that Robert Whats-His-Name. It's a pretty amazing building.


Although I appreciate the gesture of brotherhood, and am glad that you have found a more wholesome outlet for your offensive talents, I would like to point out, officially, since this seems to escape people's memories, that I am, in fact, a non-Gentile. I come from a very modern, South Florida type of Jewish family, of Austrian descent. We don't wear kippahs. We don't cough up phlegm when we say "Channukah" or "Chutzpah." We have blonde hair and green eyes. We eat pork products--but only in moderation, as being fat has never been acceptable in our delightfully shallow, yet superficial family.


Thank you for inviting me to your group. Please keep in mind that I usually wear a Star of David around my neck, as a tribute to all those who have suffered for the faith. Even though I consider myself just a normal, everyday American, it's also a way to tell people that I do not want to sing Christmas carols, exchange Christmas presents, or put up a dead pine tree on my white carpets and cover it with tacky Christmas decorations. I respect the beliefs and traditions of all cultures, and expect nothing more than the same in return. I also do not want to go listen to an altar-boy-molesting hypocritical closet queen telling me that I am going to hell if I have sex for recreation, and not procreation, or if the person I have sex with has the wrong chromosomal combination.

Thanks again for thinking about me, and extending your token gestures of fraternity. I wish you the best of luck in all your tacky, obnoxious, offending endeavors. I also say that your first name is just not right.

Smooches,

R.R.